I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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