I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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