Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
