How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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