Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
