Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
