I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
