flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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