If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
