cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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