Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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