I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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