I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
