i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
