he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
