her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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