Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
