Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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