Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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