That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was confusing and full of hummus
We got so high we made milksteak
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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