Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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