lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The best revenge is premature balding
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
