My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He felt like a one man threesome
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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