did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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