Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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