we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
