she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
please come you make the beer taste better
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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