but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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