you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
