how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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