I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
