I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
