I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
