when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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