I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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