My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize