Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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