I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
