What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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