I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
