Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
