I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just had sex on a roof
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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