I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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