Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
