i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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