im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My feet surprised me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
