I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
