It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
