Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Drunk is a universal language darling
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