so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
