So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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