you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
