Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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