my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
