She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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