the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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