How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize